if you don’t give her up you’ll have to give me up. this time i’m serious. i just have to figure out how to break it off for good.

[insert image here.]

so i guess i feel like i’m being a mom to too many people lately. it’s making me really stressed. and even more so because i really am a mom and need to be a mom to my kids first and foremost. i don’t think i should have to babysit everyone and be the only responsible person all the time. i wish people would just step up and take care of the things they need to take care of without constant reminders and wake up calls for stupid things like doing homework and dishes. i mean, i don’t want to do homework or dishes either, but they’re things that have to be done. so just do it. don’t make me feel like the bad guy who has to take away your toys and shut off the tv so you’ll get off your lazy ass and do something productive.

i left you with ONE task. do the dishes. i come back 60 hours later (over two and a half days) and you’ve done about 10 dishes. yes, the living room is vacuumed, but everything that was on the floor is on the couch. sorry, the room isn’t clean. yes, the kitchen floor is clean and the oven door is wiped clean enough that i can see my reflection, but the burners on the stove are grossly greasy and black all over. thanks for spending hell knows how much time crushing soda cans. but nothing is done. you couldn’t even put the bath toys back in the bath tub. our bedroom has clothes all over the floor (that’s what a laundry hamper is for) oh, and you just bought a dryer that works. thanks for doing ONE load of your stupid daughter’s blankets that weren’t even dirty. seriously, you spent the last two and a half days buying a dryer, buying your stupid toy guns, crushing cans, playing with your stupid toy guns, and probably drinking. which i told you not to do unless i was there. thanks a lot. i was hoping the reason you told me to not come over until 4 was because you were cleaning the whole house or doing something special for me, guess not. but i shouldn’t really expect anything more. it’s not like you ever do anything. at least not within a week of when you say it’ll be done.

is it horrible of me to want to just take away the xbox, toy guns, internet, and everything else until everything’s clean? i am just so angry. i was there for 2 hours and did all the dishes, cooked dinner, and cleaned up the bathroom, the kids room (wow, i forgot to even mention how the kids room looked in the above paragraph), the living room, and the rest of the kitchen. it’s not that hard. you just can’t be goofing off with your stupid friends. grrrr omfg. i’m so tired of this. i’m tired. i’m stressed. i need a break and a clean house to come home to. yeah, that would be a nice start.

sheesh.

10.february.2010
11:28pm

[insert picture here, again.]

one of my good friends tagged me in this on her blog, i thought i’d give it a try. i’m going to write 25 needs i have as a survivor and 5 wants. and i’m supposed to tag 5 people at the end..we’ll see how far i can get with this. here we go!…

needs(not in any order):
1. i need to feel alive.
2. i need to feel loved, wanted, and adored by someone who i love romantically, not just a friend.
3. i need to have more confidence in myself.
4. i need to have more patience, because being a mom requires more than i’m used to sometimes.
5. i need to let go of things and people that have hurt me. but not forget.
6. i need to be stronger.
7. i need to try to understand so that i can release the anger and hate that i’ve suppressed.
8. i need to learn to not be afriad. and to not be afraid to open up and let my emotions out every now and then.
9. i need to feel beautiful. and sometimes feel sexy. mostly, i need to not feel like an object, which is why i said beautiful.
10. i need to feel like i’m needed, and actually be needed at the same time.
11. i need to find additional sources of positive motivation.
12. i need to break free of my self-destructive habits.
13. i need to write more often.
14. i need friends. i really need a best friend that won’t turn on me over something stupid, or even over something huge.
15. i need a babysitter every now and then so i can have a minute to relax and be alone.
16. i need help to overcome my fears.
17. i need insurance or more money so i can get the professional help that i know i need.
18. i need to rediscover faith and trust.
19. i need to break down so i can get back up.
20. i need to come home to a clean house every now and then so i don’t feel like i’m paying all the bills and doing all the housework. i guess i should say, i need a little balance and order once in awhile.
21. i need to make time for me.
22. i need to sleep through the night when i go to bed at decent times.
23. i need someone to listen to me sometimes, and to respond.
24. i need to finish things i start.
25. i need my dad. but that one won’t happen. x(

wants(also, not in order):
1. i want to get a massage and facial, once per week would be nice. but i’d settle for every other month.
2. i want to have a baby girl of my own someday. just not right this second.
3. i want to get married and actually have things work out this time.
4. i want to be the first person EVER to do something. (from walking on the moon type things or just inventing something, i want to be the first so that my name will be in some sort of history book.)
5. i want to make a difference for unselfish reasons. and i want to make a difference for selfish reasons sometimes and not be judged for it.

review..everything on the list came surprisingly easier than i thought. i thought that thinking of 25 needs would take hours, but that took less than 30 minutes. i’m pretty proud of myself. i think the hardest part, now, will be tagging 5 other people. i’m going to cheat and tag corinne, even though she tagged me first. maybe i can think of 5 more besides her…let’s see…

tag:
1. corinne at picture of experience ♥♥
2. jessica on facebook (because if she has a blog i don’t know what it is)
3. jordan at (i’ll tag it in the morning. i can’t find the link to her blog) because we’re a lot alike, but hopefully for you’re sake you’re not a survivor. idk but ily.
4. vanity at (again, tag in the am) not sure if you’re a survivor, but i love ya.
5. chawntae on facebook(tag in am)♥

[insert image here.]

another night of going to bed alone. it’s not like it’s that difficult to give up 15 minutes to lay down with me, is it? you spend hours with that insubordinate child of yours trying to put her to sleep and i’m not even worth fifteen minutes of your time. boy, that sure makes me feel wanted.

on another note. i wish this stupid cold would just go away. i randomly have sinus pressure, mucus build up, headaches, coughing, a sore throat every morning and night and sometimes random bursts in the middle of the day. i just don’t know. and i don’t have insurance, so i can’t go see a doctor about it. i wish i could go see a doctor. i wish i could get back on my bipolar meds. i’ve been extremely irritable lately and i can’t break it. before the irritability i was rather depressed for awhile. i even cut (but don’t tell, they weren’t bad at all). i don’t want to know what stage is coming next, but i definitely want to get out of this irritated mood. it’s not good for anyone around me, and probably not too great for me either.

next, i need to focus on school. this happens every time. i get so close to being finished with school, not finished with a course but being close to graduating, and i just kind of quit. i need to push myself, but i get behind on one little thing and lose hope. i don’t know why. maybe it has something to do with my crazy psychological problems. who knows. but i’m close. i only have a couple classes left until i get my associate’s in graphic design. i just need to keep going. i only have a month, maybe two, left. grrrrrrrr, felicia. just do it. just effffffing do it right this time. there’s no need to end up like high school did.

lastly, i need to sleep more. i have (unintentionally) gotten back into my more insomniatic habits..is insomniatic a word? ugh..anyhow. i can’t get myself to sleep very easily for days, even weeks at a time. then i just crash. but i don’t have time to crash, so i make myself keep going. and then that’s how i get stuck like this. i guess i’m just used to not sleeping again. i used to do this in high school. it didn’t kill me then, so it can’t be so bad now, right? ..guess i’ll just have to find out. if i die, i’ll let you know. ;) jk. no dying. that is no bueno. mucho. ..yeah, ignore my spanglish. i tried, ok? sheesh.

apparently i’m not in a completely irritated mood right now. i seem to be writing as if i’m actually talking to you. whoever you are. i don’t really feel like writing in my usual style right now. i don’t really feel like doing anything. i don’t even feel like breathing. it’s a good thing that comes naturally.

i’m going to attempt to sleep now. i’ll put a picture in later and take out this sentence so it looks like it never happened, bahhahah (felicia win.). goodnight, you.

i guess it’s a lot easier for me to decide to hate someone than to have someone hate someone i should love, regardless of the countless reasons i’ve been given to not love them anymore. i guess i just feel dependent on her. i don’t want to, but i have no choice. i have no money, therefore, i have no choice. it’s like, i live, but i live completely miserably, or i die/starve/go homeless/lose my job/etc. here is the bigger dilemma. if i live, i don’t have freedom. i am constantly fighting with the people i love. and my life slowly falls apart. i can’t figure this out. why can’t i just do what i want/need to do without having my life controlled? it’s just not fair.

i wish you understood the battle i’m fighting within myself and the front i’m putting on, just so you think i’m okay. just so everyone thinks i’m okay. i can’t break down in front of you, because you don’t understand. i know you want to, but it just won’t happen. we have differing views on this matter, and neither of us will change standpoints.

i feel like, to make her happy, i have to find and be with someone who is just like her, in order for them to get along. but then i’d be miserable. but i’ll be miserable if i stay with one who makes me happy right now because of her. i am just so torn.

now, to top this off, even though i’ve only spilt a drop or two of the chaos in my mind and soul, i no longer have insurance. which means i no longer will have medication. which, in turn, means that i will probably be extremely irritable, emotional, irrational, depressed, and possibly wind up with those previously frequent suicidal thoughts and occasional tendencies. (please, don’t be alarmed. i’ve dealt with this for several years now and i know how to keep myself from going over the edge. i am and will be fine.)

i wish i had someone to talk to. i wish i just had someone to agree with me. </3

have you ever felt empowered? something happens, usually quite moving, and everything else feels right. you get courage, strength, hope, …it’s all there. and you can see it playing in your head. you’ll go home and just say what’s on your mind, the truth, about everything. but it won’t matter what anyone thinks of it all, because you don’t care anymore. you know what you want and what you need and you’re going to get it. you know what you need to get done and you’re going to do it, and stop procrastinating. and you’re going to do it all right now.

it’s too bad it’s terribly hard to keep that motivation going.

maybe that’s why i’m on medication. (but keep that part quiet, it’s a secret.) so i can get my motivation back. hopefully, this time, it doesn’t motivate me to do the same things i tried last time. hopefully i have the strength and enough reasons to not try anything like that again. or, at least, that i’ll talk to someone before i sincerely consider such grave actions. hopefully i can keep my trust in people this time. …i know there’s someone who won’t let me down.

…i’m not going to lie, i am exhausted. i hardly slept last night, and i’m not starting off tonight too well either. i probably won’t ever finish this entry, but i tried. my brain is just not functioning at full capacity now that the exhaustion is settling in. we’ll just have to start with a blank sheet another day.

farewell.xx

i came across an old blog of mine. i’d forgotten about it for awhile…almost four years, actually. i think i’ve surprised myself with how stupid and how brilliant i was. but, i’m not going to lie, it hurt. i’m still not as strong as i’d like to be.  i don’t think i ever will be…not with this subject. i don’t think i’ll ever be able to put it behind me.

“08.august.2005
11:03pm

daddy is in the hospital. and this morning he asked me to make his program for his funeral. i can’t loose one of my best friends. :(
why does life have to be so unfair?

[[ scaredtodeath ]]xx”

“27.october.2005
8:25pm

daddy is going.
only one or two more days.
god, i’ll miss him.

everything is so different now.
i can’t hardly sleep.
and if i DO get to sleep..
it is terribly hard to wake up again.
my tummy growls and tells me to eat.
but i’m not hungry.
i can’t concentrate.
i don’t have energy.
my muscles ache.
my heart hurts.
i feel empty.
but i feel so numb.

reality is starting to set in.
and i hate it.
sometimes i think this isn’t real.
but then i go back to the hospital
and there he is.
so sick.
so tired.
hardly moving.
only twitching every now and then.
he has no energy.
he can’t even open his eyes anymore.
everything he says is just mumbling.
and you can’t understand it.
but he can hear and understand me.
he tried to tell me he loved me today.
it made me cry so hard.
and it hurt so bad.
i want to ask him to let me know if heaven’s real when he gets there.
but i don’t have the guts.
i can hardly say anything to him.
because every time i try to say anything
i start to cry.
and i want to hold back my tears
because i’m afraid of crying..
in front of people, that is.

i hate this.

i am so depressed.”

“01.november.2005
10:09pm

dad died friday the 28th.
viewing was tonight.
funeral is tomorrow.

i’m still numb.”

and it all still feels — i still feel — the same. will i ever escape this pain?

i still haven’t learned how to be content. there are points when i think i am, i think i just might be okay with everything. and it hits me, hard. felicia- you’re a [[freaking]] joke. quit looking for your happy ending. it’ll never be there.

sometimes i think i am in love. maybe it’s real, maybe things will last. and they never do. i need to find someone who i don’t have to lie to, or about, to keep everyone happy. i need to find someone like me, who is okay with me. someone who can accept who i was, who i am, and who i want to be. once, i found someone who was okay with who i wanted to be. i married him. he couldn’t accept who i had been in the past. another day, i found someone who could accept all three. except he was not who i needed. he didn’t want any of the same things i wanted. he didn’t want to grow with me. so he was out. now, i’ve found someone who is okay with who i was, and who i am. he just can’t accept who i want to be. …wait, retract that statement. he won’t grow with me. he can entirely accept who i want to be. however, he can’t go there with me. so, i’ve kind of contradicted myself. because who i want to be is with him (whoever “he” may be..).

it’s time to quit now. it’s time.

too bad i know i’ll fail at my attempt to fail. when you’re older, you might understand.

most everyone strives to have a sense of control over their lives. if not their whole life, then at least a small part of it. when we lose control, unintentionally and without immediate power to regain what control was lost, life sometimes seems hopeless. people get to the point where it feels like it’s time to give up and just let go of everything and leave it all behind. that’s one thing to have control over, right? …i’m thinking…maybe i am at that point again.

i seem to have lost control of much of my life when i moved back home. for awhile, i seemed to have all the previous freedoms as immediately before, possibly more. but things started to change. debts piled up and the economy crashed and, wow…look where i am now. it was only a few days ago that i was perfectly fine. i was content. not happy, no, still far from it. but not unhappy either. things change too quickly, at least the things i don’t want changing on me do. i just don’t know where i am anymore. life is a daze. i just walk through it, partially on auto-pilot. things are getting very monotonous. i try to shift the scenery every now and then, to keep myself entertained. but it’s hard. and it’s even harder with my mother keeping her nose shoved into my business all the time.

i’d like to have some decision-making power in my life without being criticized. i’d like to be able to make decisions and still have the respect of those who i’d like to continue holding close to my heart. but then, when i think about it. some of the decisions i want to make i know are wrong. i know what i need to do, but i am too afraid to do it. i’m too afraid to do a lot of things anymore.

one thing i was terrified of doing has been done. well, it’s been said. and, just as i had predicted, it didn’t help anything. it only made things worse. now i can’t even talk about the subject at all without getting hurt. and it hurts not talking about it as well. either way i hurt now. i guess i had my hopes up too high. note to self: keep your hopes down low.

my dad always said that there was no reason to be unhappy if you were doing the right thing. so, what happens if you are doing the right thing (or at least trying your hardest) but those around you aren’t. what if people you’re in contact with every single day are unhappy. then how are you supposed to be happy, or even content? i know i can’t stay calm when there is tension floating throughout the house. i’m sure most people are similar. i just need some new advice here. i wish you could help me out, daddy. (rip)

this is the part where i break down in your arms. except you aren’t here. no one is here. and we all know i’m not strong enough to let myself let it all go. we all know i’m not capable of showing my real emotions, only the ones that are publicly acceptable. so, in short, i have to keep control over myself. which brings us back to the beginning. unfortunately, this is not the kind of control in my life that i need to keep myself sane.

it’s possibly time to call the doctor again. maybe this time i won’t try something stupid before consulting people who can help me figure things out.