03.september.2009
12:25am

most everyone strives to have a sense of control over their lives. if not their whole life, then at least a small part of it. when we lose control, unintentionally and without immediate power to regain what control was lost, life sometimes seems hopeless. people get to the point where it feels like it’s time to give up and just let go of everything and leave it all behind. that’s one thing to have control over, right? …i’m thinking…maybe i am at that point again.

i seem to have lost control of much of my life when i moved back home. for awhile, i seemed to have all the previous freedoms as immediately before, possibly more. but things started to change. debts piled up and the economy crashed and, wow…look where i am now. it was only a few days ago that i was perfectly fine. i was content. not happy, no, still far from it. but not unhappy either. things change too quickly, at least the things i don’t want changing on me do. i just don’t know where i am anymore. life is a daze. i just walk through it, partially on auto-pilot. things are getting very monotonous. i try to shift the scenery every now and then, to keep myself entertained. but it’s hard. and it’s even harder with my mother keeping her nose shoved into my business all the time.

i’d like to have some decision-making power in my life without being criticized. i’d like to be able to make decisions and still have the respect of those who i’d like to continue holding close to my heart. but then, when i think about it. some of the decisions i want to make i know are wrong. i know what i need to do, but i am too afraid to do it. i’m too afraid to do a lot of things anymore.

one thing i was terrified of doing has been done. well, it’s been said. and, just as i had predicted, it didn’t help anything. it only made things worse. now i can’t even talk about the subject at all without getting hurt. and it hurts not talking about it as well. either way i hurt now. i guess i had my hopes up too high. note to self: keep your hopes down low.

my dad always said that there was no reason to be unhappy if you were doing the right thing. so, what happens if you are doing the right thing (or at least trying your hardest) but those around you aren’t. what if people you’re in contact with every single day are unhappy. then how are you supposed to be happy, or even content? i know i can’t stay calm when there is tension floating throughout the house. i’m sure most people are similar. i just need some new advice here. i wish you could help me out, daddy. (rip)

this is the part where i break down in your arms. except you aren’t here. no one is here. and we all know i’m not strong enough to let myself let it all go. we all know i’m not capable of showing my real emotions, only the ones that are publicly acceptable. so, in short, i have to keep control over myself. which brings us back to the beginning. unfortunately, this is not the kind of control in my life that i need to keep myself sane.

it’s possibly time to call the doctor again. maybe this time i won’t try something stupid before consulting people who can help me figure things out.