08.september.2009
3:15am

i came across an old blog of mine. i’d forgotten about it for awhile…almost four years, actually. i think i’ve surprised myself with how stupid and how brilliant i was. but, i’m not going to lie, it hurt. i’m still not as strong as i’d like to be.  i don’t think i ever will be…not with this subject. i don’t think i’ll ever be able to put it behind me.

“08.august.2005
11:03pm

daddy is in the hospital. and this morning he asked me to make his program for his funeral. i can’t loose one of my best friends. :(
why does life have to be so unfair?

[[ scaredtodeath ]]xx”

“27.october.2005
8:25pm

daddy is going.
only one or two more days.
god, i’ll miss him.

everything is so different now.
i can’t hardly sleep.
and if i DO get to sleep..
it is terribly hard to wake up again.
my tummy growls and tells me to eat.
but i’m not hungry.
i can’t concentrate.
i don’t have energy.
my muscles ache.
my heart hurts.
i feel empty.
but i feel so numb.

reality is starting to set in.
and i hate it.
sometimes i think this isn’t real.
but then i go back to the hospital
and there he is.
so sick.
so tired.
hardly moving.
only twitching every now and then.
he has no energy.
he can’t even open his eyes anymore.
everything he says is just mumbling.
and you can’t understand it.
but he can hear and understand me.
he tried to tell me he loved me today.
it made me cry so hard.
and it hurt so bad.
i want to ask him to let me know if heaven’s real when he gets there.
but i don’t have the guts.
i can hardly say anything to him.
because every time i try to say anything
i start to cry.
and i want to hold back my tears
because i’m afraid of crying..
in front of people, that is.

i hate this.

i am so depressed.”

“01.november.2005
10:09pm

dad died friday the 28th.
viewing was tonight.
funeral is tomorrow.

i’m still numb.”

and it all still feels — i still feel — the same. will i ever escape this pain?