11.december.2009
10:24pm

i guess it’s a lot easier for me to decide to hate someone than to have someone hate someone i should love, regardless of the countless reasons i’ve been given to not love them anymore. i guess i just feel dependent on her. i don’t want to, but i have no choice. i have no money, therefore, i have no choice. it’s like, i live, but i live completely miserably, or i die/starve/go homeless/lose my job/etc. here is the bigger dilemma. if i live, i don’t have freedom. i am constantly fighting with the people i love. and my life slowly falls apart. i can’t figure this out. why can’t i just do what i want/need to do without having my life controlled? it’s just not fair.

i wish you understood the battle i’m fighting within myself and the front i’m putting on, just so you think i’m okay. just so everyone thinks i’m okay. i can’t break down in front of you, because you don’t understand. i know you want to, but it just won’t happen. we have differing views on this matter, and neither of us will change standpoints.

i feel like, to make her happy, i have to find and be with someone who is just like her, in order for them to get along. but then i’d be miserable. but i’ll be miserable if i stay with one who makes me happy right now because of her. i am just so torn.

now, to top this off, even though i’ve only spilt a drop or two of the chaos in my mind and soul, i no longer have insurance. which means i no longer will have medication. which, in turn, means that i will probably be extremely irritable, emotional, irrational, depressed, and possibly wind up with those previously frequent suicidal thoughts and occasional tendencies. (please, don’t be alarmed. i’ve dealt with this for several years now and i know how to keep myself from going over the edge. i am and will be fine.)

i wish i had someone to talk to. i wish i just had someone to agree with me. </3