10.february.2010
10:49pm

[insert image here.]

another night of going to bed alone. it’s not like it’s that difficult to give up 15 minutes to lay down with me, is it? you spend hours with that insubordinate child of yours trying to put her to sleep and i’m not even worth fifteen minutes of your time. boy, that sure makes me feel wanted.

on another note. i wish this stupid cold would just go away. i randomly have sinus pressure, mucus build up, headaches, coughing, a sore throat every morning and night and sometimes random bursts in the middle of the day. i just don’t know. and i don’t have insurance, so i can’t go see a doctor about it. i wish i could go see a doctor. i wish i could get back on my bipolar meds. i’ve been extremely irritable lately and i can’t break it. before the irritability i was rather depressed for awhile. i even cut (but don’t tell, they weren’t bad at all). i don’t want to know what stage is coming next, but i definitely want to get out of this irritated mood. it’s not good for anyone around me, and probably not too great for me either.

next, i need to focus on school. this happens every time. i get so close to being finished with school, not finished with a course but being close to graduating, and i just kind of quit. i need to push myself, but i get behind on one little thing and lose hope. i don’t know why. maybe it has something to do with my crazy psychological problems. who knows. but i’m close. i only have a couple classes left until i get my associate’s in graphic design. i just need to keep going. i only have a month, maybe two, left. grrrrrrrr, felicia. just do it. just effffffing do it right this time. there’s no need to end up like high school did.

lastly, i need to sleep more. i have (unintentionally) gotten back into my more insomniatic habits..is insomniatic a word? ugh..anyhow. i can’t get myself to sleep very easily for days, even weeks at a time. then i just crash. but i don’t have time to crash, so i make myself keep going. and then that’s how i get stuck like this. i guess i’m just used to not sleeping again. i used to do this in high school. it didn’t kill me then, so it can’t be so bad now, right? ..guess i’ll just have to find out. if i die, i’ll let you know. ;) jk. no dying. that is no bueno. mucho. ..yeah, ignore my spanglish. i tried, ok? sheesh.

apparently i’m not in a completely irritated mood right now. i seem to be writing as if i’m actually talking to you. whoever you are. i don’t really feel like writing in my usual style right now. i don’t really feel like doing anything. i don’t even feel like breathing. it’s a good thing that comes naturally.

i’m going to attempt to sleep now. i’ll put a picture in later and take out this sentence so it looks like it never happened, bahhahah (felicia win.). goodnight, you.